Oh i'm sorry alright...

The Eskimos of the frozen North have 40 words for snow, but only ONE word for sex.
College kids of sunny Newport beach have forty words for sex, and NONE for snow.

Here's a guide to the most widely used term known to mankind - 'Sorry'

The Simple Sorry
Eye contact: Not required
Example: In case of unwanted physical contact, backing up, stepping on someone's foot...etc
Sample sentence: "Sorry, i didn't see you"
Actual meaning: "I'm in a hurry and you're in my way"


The Essential Sorry
Eye contact: optional
Example: When someone accidentally makes unwanted physical contact with you, or elbows you..
Sample sentence: "I'm sorry isn't this crown something?
Actual meaning: "How could you not see me? Are you blind? or just a jerk?

The Occupational Sorry
Eye contact: Fleeting
Example: When the phone rings in the middle of an informal meeting; used primarily when a co-worker desires your undivided attention..
Sample sentence: "I'm sorry, i really have to take this call"
Actual meaning: "I'd rather talk to an aluminum siding salesman"


The Subservient Sorry
Eye contact : Evasive
Example: when a client asks you for concessions, when a fellow classmate needs help with the math sum, when a customer asks you for help, finding the right size...
Sample sentence: "I'm sorry? Is there something wrong with the veal?
Actual meaning: "I'd like to stab you right through the eye with this olive fork"


The Libidinous Sorry
Eye Contact: constant
Example: While getting back home after an argument with the significant other
Sample sentence: "I'm sorry honey, I was wrong"
Actual meaning: "YOU'RE WRONG, I'M RIGHT, and im FUCKIN' tired of you shovin' me around, so I hope this change of tactics will lead to some 69 t'nite.


The Not-so-sorry Sorry
Eye contact: If necessary
Example: When you say something dumb, and then pretend you never said it, but then a reporter had their tape recorder running and now you're busted, and everyone you've EVER known is asking you to clarify your statement.
Sample sentence: "I'm...um..sorry..."
Actual sentence: "I'm not sorry for what i did, im just sorry i got caught. Tool."


The Sympathetic Sorry
Eye contact: constantly
Example: When a co-worker tell you he's been fired; or when the neighbor's annoying dog gets run over by a truck and then dragged nineteen blocks before he hits a outhouse full of explosives and bursts into seventeen thousand pieces.
Sample sentence: "I'm...so...sorry"
Actual meaning: "I'm SO DARN GLAD that this is happening to you!!! Hahahahahaha DIE.


The Authentic Sorry
Eye contact: Hard to say. Sorry
Examples:I'm sorry, cant really come up with any
Sample sentence: Who the fuck knows? Oh jeez, sorry bout the profanity.
Actual meaning: Some sort of expression of regret? Ooh thats a tough one. No idea. Sorry

And there you have it...your own personal step by step program to mastering the art of being an apologetic ass.

Wonder why i feel so Canadian right now...