Have a Happy Period!

Dear Ms BirthPills,

Sanitary Napkin Companies are on this whole "have a happy period" kick. Now they put it on their products, you know on the little piece of paper that covers the adhesive side, in some nice little feminine script.

The nerve on that one...

Wait...I never thought of that...all this time, I've just decided to be bitchy, and bloated, and broken out, and crampy and in tears during my period, when all along i could've been having happy periods! On the beach in a bikini (maybe a teenie weenie yellow polka dot one), or in a coffee shop with my girlfriends who also have their period, but you wouldn't know it coz we're all just so fucking happy about it. Forget the fact that I'm bleeding like a slaughtered pig, that I now have to walk around wearing giant underwear, hoping I don't bleed on everything, that I'm already bloated but craving for french fries, potato chips, chocolate, cake...chocolate cake, not to mention the mother of all reasons, that I'm horny as fuck but can't get any.

You can fucking suggest the shit, why don't you give some pointers. Maybe it involves a whole lot of Valium.

Note to all the boyfriends/husbands/pervy high school teachers...it is not the best time to feel up her ASS when she's all crimson down there. It is sick, and not a lotus bloomer in ANY way, whatsoever. If it gives her another mood swing in the process, you might probably feel blinding pain in your precious gonads the very next minute.


Normally I would think that some dimwitted dick came up with that slogan, but no. I'm sure it was you. Yes, YOU, that high powered business woman in her navy blue skirt suit and stiletto pumps trying to show that she you make it in a mans world...I bet you doen't have happy periods, i bet you take fucking birth control year round so that you have no periods, so that instead of spending a week with premenstrual syndrome, a week on your period, another week with post menstrual syndrome and then another week dreading that in a weekyou're gonna be PMSing again you can have the time to come up with nifty slogans as if telling me to have a happy period is gonna make me buy your product more, like theres something extra special about your pad.
Guess what bitch, you've got a product that people are gonna buy whether u advertise for it or not... it's like gasoline, or toothpaste, or condoms..

If I lose my senses to come hunt you down, oh blue skirt lady, I'll shove all the happiness where
the sun don't shine.

Regards,
Your-HAPPY-HAPPY-CUSTOMER! :D :D :D :D
(Maybe now you can make AIDS a happy DISEASE!)